January 5, 2016 (December 2015 newsletter)

We certainly hope you had a joyous, fun-filled and safe Christmas and New Year's. I know I did, but I hope you didn't gorge yourselves on desserts as I did. As I didn't get any calls for bail money on New Year's Eve I assume everybody stayed out of trouble! I'm sure all of you working folks are very glad to get all this time off behind you and get back to work.

Speaking of the New Year - in case you didn't already hear we are starting our fifth year of the show. The first show at Tanglewood for our group was January 2012. The time has flown by. Many thanks to all our friends who support us, whether you've been there from the beginning or we've picked you up along the way. Our schedule for 2016 is listed below, but to make it easy to remember for me all dates are the third Saturday of each month. Weather (and the mall) permitting, we'll keep that schedule.

Let's talk sports. Of popular local interest, Va Tech won their bowl game, whatever it was, by beating some city from the midwest - Oshkosh or Des Moines or somebody. It was a defensive struggle with Bud Foster's vaunted defense holding the opponents to just 52 points and something like 11,000 yards.

Also of popular local interest, the VT men's basketball team won last night against that highly-rated team we all love. Way to go, Hokies!

I see Pete Rose has once again been kicked in the butt by the new commissioner. Seems Pete just can't stop betting on baseball. Such a nice guy, too - just the kind of guy you'd want your sister to marry.

I neglected last month to congratulate Kyle Busch on winning the Nascar championship. Kyle is, of course, Nascar's most popular driver.... uh, sorry, I'm being told that Kyle is actually rated lower than road kill by Nascar's fans. Danica Patrick is actually Nascar's most popular driver .... uh, sorry, I'm told that she is Nascar's most popular driver who will never win a race. Oh, well, based on my sales of Nascar cards, I'm not sure there ARE any Nascar fans.

I see where the Cleveland Browns, upon figuring out that football may not be right for them, have hired Paul DePodesta from the New York Mets as "chief strategy officer". I think his first assignment will be to go to Las Vegas to find Johnny Manziel. I'm sure that some baseball strategy is just what they need.

In soccer news - well, what do I know.

February 5, 2016 (January 2016 newsletter)

Hi everybody. A quick public service reminder for all you guys out there. Valentine's Day is coming (I know, it rates a half a notch above Mother-in-law day for us, but anyway), so be sure that in addition to the flowers, boxes of chocolate and small kitchen appliances you're giving your favorite lady, be sure to include a nice sweet card. This does NOT mean a Derek Jeter rookie card or a 1/1 Steph Curry Certified auto. I'm talking the Hallmark thing with the flowers on the front and the mushy stuff inside. You can pick a time when the store is empty to sneak in and get one.

February is also the month for President's Day. We celebrate the birthdays of Washington and Lincoln on the 15th, neither of whose birthdays falls on that date. Don't think a card is required for this one, but maybe better get one just to be safe.

Not much of interest going on in the sports world these days - oh, wait! I'm informed that there is some big event this weekend. I believe it is the Madison Avenue Bowl, wherein companies present their multi-bejillion dollar TV commercials, which are interrupted frequently and annoyingly by a football game. I know - it's the Super Bowl, which is number 50 (or "L", if you're a traditionalist). I am reluctant to predict a winner, because I know pretty much nothing about it, but I do expect that one of the keys to the game will be whichever team scores more points.

An interesting fact is that in the previous 49 SB's (I thru XL), the team that scored more points won the game. I believe that the winning quarterback will be required to do something called the "Dab". I believe this involves putting a greasy goo on his head (those of you of a certain age will get this joke).

In NASCAR news, Tony Stewart continues down the path of self-destruction by wrecking his back in an ATV accident. Oh, the need for speed. I believe he had to make a RIGHT turn and couldn't handle it.

Ronda Rousey is tentatively scheduled to return to action in November, possibly in a rematch with Holly Holm. This is, of course, great news for those of us who love our women battered and bloody. Break a nose, Ronda!

Major League Baseball will crank up in a few days - okay, WAKE UP. At least one of my readers will be glad of that - right, Wade A?.

In political news, an Iowa state senator has proposed some bill relating to the Stanford U marching band. Apparently their band insulted Iowa at the Rose Bowl by making fun of Iowa's farming background. What else can you make fun of regarding Iowa?

In soccer news - okay, I got one. In Ligue 1 action, Saint-Etienne defeated Rennes 1-0 (that's "one-nil" in soccer speak for some reason). This thrill-packed high-scoring game or "match" was, I'm sure, a delight for all those dozens of fans watching around the world.

March 10, 2016 (February 2016 newsletter)

A serious note before we get to the silly stuff. As you may know, our friend Wade Armentrout suffered a serious heart failure a few days ago. The last report I saw said that he was still in critical intensive care but without apparent brain damage. I know that all of us at this show are thinking of Wade, Kathy and his family and friends, and hoping that we'll soon see his smiling face again at our show. Get well, Wade! It's time for baseball!

I know I'm very late with this edition of the newsletter. I've lost count of the emails demanding to know where it is. Well, actually, that haven't been ANY emails, but I'm sure you were thinking about it. I have no excuse, except that someday you too will be old and see the days just flying by YOU.

In sports news, there is "March Madness". I'm referring, of course, to the start of the "Major League" Soccer league season. Already there have been thrilling games with scores like 2-1, 2-0, and (what I assume was a misprint) 4-3.

Actually I'm kidding about the MLS. Of course, March Madness refers to the NCAA men's basketball championship. I guess it COULD refer also to the women's championship, but I doubt it. Today Notre Dame defeated Duke in the ACC tourney. That's not quite ISIS vs Boko Haram, in terms of trying to pick a favorite, but give the edge to ND. And Virginia Tech finished the season on a roll and won a tournament game - well done, Hokies!

In the NFL, once famous quarterbacks Robert Griffin (I believe he's holding at #3) and Johnny "football" Manziel are now or soon will be free agents. At least RG was once good, though he's pretty much completely busted down physically. Johnny "Football" (can you say that without laughing? How about this: "Cleveland Browns"?) has never been good in the NFL but his off-field talents are legend. You pick 'em. Speaking of QB's, Peyton Manning retired. [insert favorite OLD joke here]

Another serious note: a week from today is St. Patrick's Day, a day when all true (and phony) Irishmen go out and drink a lot. Not to be confused with the other 364 days of the year when they do that. I don't get the fuss - I always say, if Ireland was so great, the Quinns would still be there. Anyway, party responsibly so you'll be around the following Saturday for our show. And guys, not sure but this may also be a day you need to get a card for the wife or girlfriend. Better safe than sorry, I say. Hope you heeded my advice on Valentine's Day.

April 8, 2016 (March 2016 newsletter)

In sports news, first a serious commentary. Sports news recently featured reports that NBA player D'Angelo Russell had released a video of teammate Nick Young (whose nickname apparently is "Baggy Pee", or perhaps I mis-heard that) discussing his, ah, off-the-court adventures. This apparently upset "Draggy Bee" (whatever) and their teammates. And in today's headlines, there's the affair between Tyler Summit (coach of the La Tech women's basketball team, also son of legendary coach Pat Summit, if she hasn't disinherited him), and one of his players. I had to force myself to read the story. I ask you, why can't we get away from all this s-e-x, and get back to the real business of sports, which is, of course, violence?

"March Madness" ended in a really exciting way with North Carolina being punished severely by the NCAA for hundreds of thousands of rule violations. I'm kidding, of course. The NCAA marches to its own drum when dealing out punishments. Somewhat like Roger Goodell, they seem to make the stuff up as they go.

Actually it WAS an exciting championship game, with two amazing clutch shots at the end. It was, however, seen by the fewest viewers since 2009's championship game, even though they spread it across three channels.

I'm always happy to report on the career of Robert Griffin (still checking in at #3, I see), who has signed with Cleveland - known as the "Land Where Quarterbacks Go To Die". As I reported in a previous newsletter, Cleveland hired Paul DePodesta away from baseball for their front office, so maybe Robert can work out at first base.

Speaking of the NFL, the league apparently is trying to get a game up in China. Yes, football, not Chinese Checkers. Let's put a team there - why not? I believe a competitive team of 45 players could be fielded there for a total salary of about $235. They could play at Walmart Stadium, perhaps. Their only problem: an hour later they want to play again! Ha ha - I'm not waiting for you, I'm laughing now.

I'll take it easy on soccer this month, because the "Masters" golf tournament started yesterday. That should provide enough "bored" jokes to get me through the month. Watching golf ... so tired... eyelids heavy ... another swing, another 30 seconds of viewing the sky where you strain to see the ball, more whispered commentary like they're sharing some kind of a secret. Keep in mind that I have actually played golf in my lifetime. I'm not proud of it, but there it is.

May 6, 2016 (April 2016 newsletter)

First, a serious note. Joe Garagiola, former MLB player, announcer and TV personality died March 23. Some of you may remember him from the Today Show, some older friends may remember him as a baseball TV announcer, and some of you may even remember him as a player. In 1960 he published a book titled Baseball Is A Funny Game, which I first read when I was in high school and reread again most recently a few years ago. It's a gentle, funny look at baseball in the 50's and earlier - before steroids, free agency, designated hitters, and bejillion dollar contracts. If you are at all a fan of baseball history, I recommend this book.

In sports news, the NFL is never far from the headlines. The recent draft was, as usual, extremely over-reported and under-interesting. A highlight was a young fellow with the unlikely name of Laremy Tunsil, who apparently took money as an "amateur" and smoked dope (bizarrely, in a gas mask). The horror! I'm shocked, I tell you! Shocked! As punishment he fell from a top spot in the draft - sort of a Tunsilectomy.

Also in the NFL, the Eagles have a surplus of quarterbacks, none of whom is any good. Sam Bradford wants out - apparently thinking that other teams are lining up to get him.

I see that Johnny "Football" Manziel is back in the news, strangely enough not for anything related to football. Seems he may have beat up his ex-girlfriend. I'm no expert, fellow collectors, but I'm thinking it may be time to dump those Manziel rookie cards you stocked up on a few years ago. Johnnie "Football" seems somehow inappropriate now. Maybe Johnny "WhiffleBall"? Johnny "Lost Ball In High Weeds"? Johnny "The Ball Went Over the Fence Where That Humongous Dog Lives"? I don't know.

In other sad news, I'm told that Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods has fallen out of the top 500 golfer list for the first time in his pro career. I believe he's also fallen out of the top 500 endorsement athletes as well as the top 500 most eligible bachelors list.

I cannot ignore the big news out of world soccer! I'm speaking, of course, of the offer by Seattle Sounders player Brad Evans to stuff Donald Trump's face into a taco bowl. Put THAT on Sports Center! Da-da-da! Da-da-da! No, seriously, I'm referring to the victory by the Leicester (pronounced exactly as it's spelled, if you have some sort of reading difficulty) futbol team in the English Premier League championship. I believe they are the Crimson Tide. I'm sure you followed the tournament as closely as I did. It appears they actually clinched the title when two other teams played to a thrilling 2-2 tie.

In major league baseball, my Braves are not doing well. In fact, I believe they are already mathematically eliminated. The news is not all bad, however, as the Yankees are also pretty terrible.

June 11, 2016 (May 2016 newsletter)

The big news in sports since last we talked was the death of Muhammed Ali. You may have loved him, you may have hated him, or maybe you just didn't care. But he was without a doubt one of the most recognized people in the entire world, in or out of sports. His influence in American society was undeniable, even into his later years when he courageously and publicly battled Parkinson's disease.

Let's see what's happening in the NFL, because, of course, hardly a waking minute goes by that we're not thinking about them. I saw a report that Kirk Cousins of the Washington team is showing promise of being a decent QB. Of course, that's just in practice against the Washington defense. Is it time to reclaim those Cousins RC's back out of the dime box?

Rex Ryan has offered Lebron James a chance to try out at tight end for Buffalo (I'm not making this up), apparently if that basketball thing doesn't work out.

Aaron Rodgers reportedly has given up consuming dairy products, thereby infuriating "cheeseheads" everywhere. He'll have to find some way to butter them up. Of course, the cream rises to the top, so winning will fix that. This story seemed to be suitable for some cheesy jokes, but I couldn't find any. I guess I've milked this story for all it's worth.

Speaking of Lebron, there is an NBA finals going on, although it sometimes seems to resemble football. Apparently it's not a foul if you hit the other player with anything less than a 9-pound hammer. It would seem that Golden State will win their second championship in as many years. They have, of course, more jerks per capita on their team than most anybody else, but, boy, their jerks can play.

Major league baseball has their player draft going on through today - oh, you missed that? Well, not to worry, because in three or four years we may find out whether any of them are any good. In actual games, the Cubs are still running away with their division. Meanwhile, Atlanta is, well, still playing, bless their little hearts.

In soccer, or "futbol", something called the "Copa America Centenario" is going on now, featuring teams from all up and down the Americas. There have been the usual exciting games, with scores like 1-0 (or 1-"nil", if you prefer), 2-1 and the ever-popular 2-2. Surprisingly, Haiti (I believe they are the "Hurricanes") actually scored a goal against Brazil. I'm told that this was really big news, at least for the Haitians, who haven't had much to cheer about since they kicked out Napoleon a few years ago.

In Johnny "Football" Manziel news: his lawyer reports that Johnny is busy prepping for the upcoming season (I'm not making this up), presumably in the same way that all of you are prepping for it: by making sure your cable bill is paid, finding where the cheapest beer is sold and making sure your lucky jersey is all ready to go. Soon to be Johnny "Footnote".

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