July 7, 2016 (June 2016 newsletter)
Hi, all! Hope everybody had a fun-filled and safe 4th of July. Next holiday up for you working folks is Labor Day - only two months away!
Lots of big news in sports, so let's get right to it. The Summer Olympics is (are?) coming up soon. The first Olympics I remember really getting into was (were?) the '72 version. It was horribly marred by the murder of the Israeli athletes and coaches in Munich. But it's also remembered for the robbery of the US basketball team in the men's bkb final. I remember Olga Korbut winning several gymnastic gold medals, Frank Shorter winning the marathon, and Dave Wottle winning the 800 meters. This year's Olympics may be remembered for filthy water, incomplete infrastructures, Zika virus, and rising crime and violence. Fortunately SC Johnson's "Off!" has been named the official bug spray of the games. In surprising news, the Russian track and field team has been banned for failing drug tests - I'm shocked!.
In the NBA, of course, Cleveland came back from a 1-3 deficit in the finals to defeat Golden State. Take that, Lebron haters! Of course, now that Kevin Durant has sold out to the Warriors, Golden State will once again be favorites.
To save some time, I'll just clip this from last July's news letter: "Stop me if you've heard this before, but Serena Williams is cruising through the "Wimbledon" tennis championship. Yeah, I don't care, either."
In Major League Baseball, the Cubs are sputtering a little bit, but I believe the entire NL All-Star team coincides exactly with their roster. In good news, the Yankees are looking to start selling off their stars, as soon as they figure out who they are.
In UFC news, a fellow named Jon Jones has been banned from a big upcoming show because he allegedly used banned drugs. The UFC does not test for illegal "fun" drugs like marijuana or cocaine, but does test for "performance enhancing" drugs. I admit I don't see why, in a "sport" where the whole point is to beat the holy crap out of the other guy, they care whether you get a small advantage in doing so. Seems to me the better you are at beating the crap out of the other guy, the more fun the "sport" is.
In soccer (or "futbol") news, the Copa America Centenario, which I reported on last month, was won by Chile in a thrilling 4-2 win over Argentina. I'd like to report that I watched the entire match, but you'd only laugh at me. The teams were tied 2-2 after "regulation time" (a double-secret time apparently known only to the referee and doled out at his whim), and the winning margin came on "penalty kicks", which are somewhat like deciding a tied NFL game by kicking extra points. In other news, Ronaldo, whose first name escapes me, is a favorite to win the "Ballon d'Or", which I believe is French or something for the "Balloon of Gold" and is apparently a big deal in the world of soccer or "futbol". As far as I know, there is not a public voting for this award, or I'd be all over it.
Sadly, I have no Johnny "Footnote" news to report this month.
July 31, 2016 (July 2016 newsletter)
Hey, friends and neighbors! Hope you're all enjoying this balmy summer we've been having. The temperature dropped down into the 80's yesterday, and I was looking for a sweater. Brrrr! I guess many of you are getting in your vacations before the children have to go back to school. Haha, kids! Back to school! Haha!
Of course, the big sports story is those upcoming summer games featuring exciting competitions in gymnastics, wrestling, track and field and so many more. I'm referring, of course, to the Kitten Summer Games coming up on the Hallmark channel. It should be a highlight of the sports year.
There is, also, a people's Olympics which we discussed briefly last newsletter. In spite of the many reported problems, the IOC (International Olympic Committee) reports that everything will be just hunky-dory, and why would they lie? Unless, of course, you bribed them sufficiently. Some famous golfers, whose names escape me although I'm sure you would recognize them, are not going to participate in the Olympic golf championship, apparently because of the Zika scare. I just can't imagine an Olympics without golf. But the golfers probably should know that the Zika mosquitos have apparently made it into this country (USA), so we're all doomed anyway. Just like we were doomed from Ebola, Avian flu, swine flu, mad cow disease and sharks in tornadoes.
But I digress. You who are golf fans have just had two "major" tournaments in the last several weeks, so I wonder if you care all that much about Olympic golf. Then again, maybe it's not that much different from Olympic basketball, where we had college and pro championships in recent months, but we'll still tune in to watch the USA team obliterate those third-world stiffs.
As I mentioned last time, many of the Russian athletes have been banned from the Rio games because of "doping". Even their weightlifters are banned! Who woulda thunk it? Weightlifters!
A brief comment about "all star" games. Much was made of the fact earlier this month that not many people watched the MLB All-Star game. It got a 5.4 TV rating and was viewed by 8.7 million viewers. That's not great. On the other hand, the NFL "Pro Bowl" had a 5.0 rating with 8.0 million viewers. The NBA all star game had 7.6 million viewers. And if you consider the NHL as a major sport (haha!), their all star game had a 1.17 rating. But by all means, let's talk about the lack of interest in baseball. By the way, I was going to report the ratings for the MLS soccer (that's "Major League Soccer soccer") all star game, but I believe it was carried only on several public service channels in the Midwest.
In NFL news, Johnny Manziel reportedly has said he'd like to play for the Dallas Cowboys. I believe he'd also sign with the Toronto Argonauts, the Orlando Predators (AFL) or your church league flag team, if there was a little money involved.
The Pittsburgh team, which I believe is the "Steelers", seems to have about as many players on suspension as on the active roster. Bell and Bryant were reportedly suspended for marijuana, a drug which is now legal in several US states, including the home state of the defending Super Bowl champs. Bell was unlucky - caught in a traffic stop. Bryant is stupid - caught multiple times in league drug tests, which everybody knows exactly when they're coming. Well, nobody ever said "let's go pick up some NFL players and discuss astrophysics".
In NBA news, the lovable, cuddly Draymond Green posted a picture on Snapchat of a certain body part which most men keep private (hint: it WASN'T his big toe). He says it was an accident - he didn't mean to post it publicly. But who DID he intend to send it to? Draymond, of course, will have a new teammate this fall: JaVale McGee, if I've got that right. I believe there's some other guy joining the "Warriors" this fall, but the name escapes me. If only there had been some discussion on the sports shows.
In Major League Baseball, the "Yankees" are apparently "rebuilding", having traded Aroldis "105mph" Chapman to the Cubs and Andrew "No Known Nickname" Miller to the Indians. My Braves (while I'm laughing at the Yankees, you have permission to laugh at my Braves) have traded Hector Olivera, a Cuban who is charged with assaulting some woman, for Matt Kemp from the Padres. San Diego immediately dumped Olivera despite owing him $30 million which they can't get out of paying. And maybe you think YOUR GM is a dope. Meanwhile, the slugging Kemp will surely turn Atlanta's season around and quickly erase that approximately 162-games behind they face in the wildcard race.
September 4th, 2016 (August 2016 newsletter)
Hello again everybody! I hope you've all survived the horrors and violence of the past week - I'm referring, of course, to the US Presidential election campaign. I know each of you has a favorite candidate, or at least one you hate not as much, but please let it end soon! No, actually, I'm referring to Hurricane Hermine, which pretty much missed us here in Roanoke, and I hope wherever you are that you survived unscathed.
A few comments about the just-ended 2016 Olympics. I wasn't exactly glued to the TV while it was on, but I did watch a lot of it. I enjoyed the track and field, although I'm more than a little tired of Usain Bolt (if that's his real name). I think he could stop to tie his shoelace and still beat those other stiffs. I watched some of the women's gymnastics, where the US crushed the competition. I'm not much for watching swimming, but I did switch on when Katie Ledecky was in the middle of one of her races, and there was nobody else in the picture! I thought, what the heck is this?
I missed some of the traditional Olympic sports that go all the way back to ancient Greece, such as table tennis, taekwondo and badminton. (Badminton is an Olympic sport? Is it played in somebody's backyard?) And golf - but I made fun of golf last month, so let it go.
Of course, no one can forget the top story of the games - the Ryan Lochte "I was robbed" story, which turned out to be something else altogether. As a result of this he lost a bejillion dollars in endorsement deals. It's amazing how just ten minutes of stupidity can, uh, mess up your entire life. Let that be a lesson, boys and girls. Although Ryan is recovering, I guess, as he's apparently scheduled to appear on "Dancing With The Stars" (I'm not making this up). I hope the off-stage bathroom there won't be locked.
Of course, we're about to start that fun-filled season again - I'm speaking, of course, of the fantasy football season, where millions of dollars are won and quintillions of dollars are lost. Oh, and there will be some actual games played, I believe.
In NFL news, Colin Kaepernick has created a news storm with his comments. Everybody has an opinion on this story, and I won't comment, except to say that it's amazing what kind of a public platform a professional athlete has - even one that's now just a backup.
Also, and I'm not making this up, I see stories today previewing the 2017 NFL draft! That's not a typo - 2017! They are talking about drafting players who have not yet played a game this year.
The college football season started this week, and there were several upsets yesterday, including Wisconsin over LSU (sorry, Les Miles), Houston over Oklahoma (sorry, Bob Stoops), and Richmond over UVA (sorry .... well, no, not really).
In an MLB story I wish I hadn't seen, the Atlanta Braves are talking to Tim Tebow about signing with them. A team that has a 53-83 record, and this is how they would spend their money?
October 6th, 2016 (September 2016 newsletter)
Hello again everybody! Just last month I wrote about Hurricane Hermine, and now, even as I write, Hurricane Mathew is poised to crash into Florida. The least important impact of this event is that some sporting events may have to be moved or canceled. What is important is that if you live or are visiting somewhere in the path of this storm, please take care.
A serious note from the sports world before I get on to the dumb stuff. Recently we lost Arnold Palmer and Jose Fernandez. You've heard, I'm sure, pretty much everything that could be said about these two, so I won't dwell on it. Suffice it to say that these were heroes - and justifiably so - to widely scattered generations, not only for their athletic accomplishments but also for their genuine likeability. Regular readers of these letters know that I have on occasion poked fun at golf (and will do so again), but I know that Palmer played a most important part in the growth of golf's popularity on TV, along with Nicklaus, Trevino, Chi Chi Rodriguez, Player and others of that era. Those are names to remember. Those were the days when golfers had personality.
Now for the sports news. Regarding news from the NFL, I'll summarize this week's sports talk shows, in case you missed them: "Odell Beckham, Odell Beckham, Odell Beckham, Odell Beckham".
But since we last met, Robert Griffin (number 3 with a down arrow) was injured - again. This time a shoulder injury will keep him out for eight weeks or so. But that's the good news for him, because I see he's also filed for divorce.
Another of my favorite targets, er, subjects in these letters, Johnny "Footnote" Manziel has reportedly filed to maintain his "Johnny Football" trademark. This trademark could be worth literally hundreds of pennies to his future income. Just think if other NFL standouts had trademarked their nicknames: Ryan "Forget Dan Fouts" Leaf, Tony "Pay No Attention To Those Pills" Mandarich, Jamarcus "Nobody Works Harder Than Me Except Everybody" Russell, etc.
Speaking of golf, another of my favorites, Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods, says he "hopes" to be back on the tour in a week or so. There is apparently no truth to the rumor that he's dropping the "Tiger" nickname in favor of "Toothless Old House Cat".
In other golf news, something called the "Ryder Cup" just finished this past weekend. Apparently every once in a while some U.S. golfers get together and play against a bunch of European golfers. It seems to be a big deal that the U.S. bunch won this time. My goodness, is there anything we shouldn't be better at than a bunch of Europeans?
In baseball news, Barry Bonds was fired as hitting coach of the Florida Marlins after one year on the job. No surprise that he was hard to get along with, I guess, but manager Don "Donny Baseball" Mattingly apparently doesn't get along with anybody. Barry's hitting instruction, I believe, was "Here, rub on some of this cream, take three swings, and call me in the morning. Oh, and get a larger hat."
One note about NASCAR. Martin Truex "jr" is leading the "Chase". I believe he's everybody's favorite driver. Uh, no, I'm told that he's NOBODY's favorite driver. The NASCAR "chase" is the only playoff format I know of where you can lose crushingly one week and still play the next week. Suppose a contender is wrecked by a non-contender, someone who cannot win this year and in fact will never win, like, say, Danica Patrick. How fair would that be? I say, if you're out, you're out. The last race would be just two cars.
Click HERE to continue.