November 9th, 2016 (October 2016 newsletter)

Hi, friends and neighbors! I'm a little late with this one, but on the other hand you probably didn't even notice. Be that as it may, it's November and coming up on that Thanksgiving holiday, which I referred to last year as the official start of the how-much-weight-can-you-gain-in-just-4-weeks season. Of course Thanksgiving used to be (in the Olden Days when I was young) the official start of the Christmas season, but that has now been underway for, oh, ten weeks or so. Still, guys, it gives you plenty of time to pick up your favorite lady's (or ladies') presents - the small kitchen appliances, the $5 earrings from K-mart, or the Joe Montana rookie card. You know, to show how much you appreciate her (or them). And don't forget the cards!

I don't have much to report from the sports world. There was the thrilling World Series which was non-stop excitement right to the finish. I'm referring, of course, to the World Series of Poker Main Event which I spent many hours watching.

No, of course, the big news was MLB's World Series. It was won by the Chicago Cubs who were cheered on by millions of fans around the country, including not me. Sorry. I don't care if they don't win again for another hundred years. The Series was on various "Fox" networks. Their announcers were okay, but their studio crew included Alex "I Never Did Take PEDs" Rodriguez and Pete "I Never Did Bet On Baseball" Rose, two people for whom I would give up TV if I had to watch them. What happened "Fox"? Was Barry Bonds unavailable?

Speaking of baseball, David Ortiz has retired. He is, of course, lovingly known as "Big Poopie". Sorry, I'm told that's actually "Big Papi", which I believe is Spanish for "Big Poopie". So sad that I won't again get to see this "alleged" steroid user lumber out of the dugout four times a game.

The NFL is worried because ratings are down. A number of reasons for this are suggested, including the "no-fun" rules, the plethora of penalties (as Cosell would say if he could still talk), and the fact that Dallas is winning (who wants to see THAT!). There's also the bone-headed referees, who, to be fair, are basically amateurs. Although, have you ever noticed, when a receiver or running back is racing downfield for a TD, there's always a short, stubby-legged, somewhat overweight ref running stride for stride (or more like three strides for stride) with him down the sideline?

The NBA has started up, but of course it will be another six months or so before the playoffs begin and anybody actually cares slightly.

December 5th, 2016 (November 2016 newsletter)

2017 is coming!

Hi, boys and girls. This month, December, marks the end of our fifth year of doing this card show thing. (Reportedly we have outlasted 857 Tanglewood stores.) The time has flown by, for me at least! We hope that all of you have enjoyed the show at least half as much as we have. But five years is not enough! We are happy to report that we have renegotiated our contract with the new mall ownership and are going to do it again in 2017! Our schedule for the upcoming year is printed below. We don't know what the future will bring beyond that, but with your help we hope to make 2017 our best year ever!

I always feel some obligation to remind those of you who may have been in a coma or visiting other worlds or just not paying attention lately that it's December, and that means that Christmas is nigh. If you have sports fans on your list, our show is a great place to look for presents big and small. And if your spouse, significant other or sibling is struggling to find something for YOU, remind them of those show items you've been eyeing lately but just couldn't talk yourself into buying.

If you can't make it to the show let us wish you a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Season's Greetings, Joyous Chanuka, Happy Kwanzaa, Rocking "Day of the Horse" (12/10), Melodious "Violin Day" (12/13), sunny "Look on the Bright Side Day" (12/21), or grin-and-bear-it your Mother-in-law's birthday, or whatever special time you celebrate. Have a safe and happy holiday season and new year.

Not much going on of interest in the sports world these days. Nothing but football to talk about. Oh, yeah, there was that game in Blacksburg, VA a few days ago. In deference to those long-suffering Wahoo fans I won't dwell on this game or mention it more than, say, thirteen times. The wahoo is, of course, a fish which tastes somewhat like mackerel and is good baked or grilled. I'd say that was definitely a grilling last Saturday. As I said on my Facebook page, we thought we'd miss Mike London, but maybe not.

In other football news, "Cam" Newton (you know that a "Cam" is that off-centered thing that makes your car's piston go up and down, up and down) was benched by his Carolina Panthers coach for one series reportedly because of a dress code violation. I'm told that he ripped open his shirt and instead of Superman there was Hello Kitty.

Jimmy Johnson won his seventh NASCAR championship. Immediately after the clinching race, he gave his helmet to the retiring Tony Stewart. Sadly for the billions of Johnson haters, his head was not still in the helmet. Speaking of NASCAR, their new sponsor will be something called "Monster Energy". Yep, they'll be racing for the Monster Cup.

Good news for you half-dozen baseball fans out there. The owners and players signed a new CBA (Creating Billionaires Alot) thereby avoiding a "lockout", which would have left the MLB-TV channel reporters with days of nothing to report. Bad news for the players: it's reported that the deal cuts player meal money by $75 per day. Poor guys. Even Bartolo Colon may lose weight now. The new agreement does end the ridiculous practice of granting WS home-field advantage to the winning league in the All-Star game. (BTW, I know that "a lot" is really two words, but I'll stretch the language for a joke, no matter how bad.)

In soccer news, because we care, the excitement builds as we wonder, can Messi break Ronaldo's Champions League group-stage goals record. I don't know what that is, but I'm told that in several third-world countries all-time-record-wise it rivals our own Dimaggio hit streak or Mark Sanchez's best-ever butt fumble in an NFL game. Seems Messi and his Barcelona team play something named Borussia Monchengladbach (I'm not making that up - I believe they are the "Fighting Bxpztslrfgs") on Tuesday, and he needs a "hat trick" to break that record. A hat trick, depending on your sport, is either a good thing (soccer, hockey) or a bad thing (baseball). In no sport, as far as I can tell, does it involve an actual hat.

In golf, Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods came back to more-or-less competitive golf in something called the "Hero World Challenge" (I'm not making THAT up, either). Not sure who all the "heroes" were in this event, besides "Tiger", of course. Apparently he finished without crawling off the course and actually finished 15th. Oops! I'm told that's out of 17. Here's hoping he can continue to finish in the top 88% of tournaments as he continues his comeback.

January 1st, 2017 (December 2017 newsletter)

2017 is here!

Hi, friends. It is indeed 2017, and we are poised to begin our sixth year of doing this show at Tanglewood. We are pleased and proud that we have made it this far, and, of course, we give our deepest thanks to you our friends who have supported us for the past sixty shows. We obviously couldn't have done it without YOU! Our schedule for the upcoming year is printed below.

It is in fact New Year's Day as I write this. Here's hoping you all had a terrific Christmas with lots of goodies from Santa's sleigh, as the song says. Here's also hoping that you celebrated New Year's Eve in a responsible way and didn't wake up this morning in a strange town or in a strange jail or, perhaps worst of all, in a strange bed. Nobody called me for bail money so I guess everything was okay.

New Year's Day, back when I was younger (back in the days when all TVs were black and white, because color hadn't been invented yet), was always the day of the big bowl games: Sugar, Orange, Rose and Cotton. I think those bowls may still be played today, but they're kind of like an afterthought. There are so many bowls now that virtually every team goes to one or maybe two. Well, not everybody, tee hee! The bowls today include the "Famous Idaho Potato Bowl", "The Dollar General Bowl", the "Be Regular Prune Bowl", "The Punxsutawney Groundhog Steaks Bowl", "The Sprint We Don't Already Advertise Enough Bowl", "The Hooters Who Cares Who's Playing Show More Commercials Bowl", "The Dole Pineapple It's Not Just For Upside Down Cake Anymore Bowl", and (I believe) hundreds of others, many with silly names. Many of these are held in places you wouldn't go to on a bet if three of your sons were playing, such as Boise or Detroit (although it's strange to consider that hundreds of fans come to Salem every year in the dead of winter and brave snow, sleet, freezing temperatures, and, well, the extreme boredom of Salem to watch some bowl, the name of which escapes me). Many of these games are, I believe, considered a reward for those teams that somehow blundered to a 6-6 record.

There is other sports news besides football. The Russians are involved in another "doping" scandal, this time in soccer. It's just getting downright hard to trust those Russkies.

In MMA (Most Murders Allowed) the lovely Ronda Rousey, who's not looking quite so lovely today, was destroyed by some other, uh, lady this weekend. Perhaps Ronda should stick to making movies while she is still able to remember at least a few of her lines.

In the NFL, the Cleveland Browns won a game, I believe. I'm not sure if the other team actually showed up. Browns coach Hue (that's how he spells it apparently) Jackson "insists his Browns are playing to win, not just get the first overall pick". Haha! Good one, "Hue"!

The NBA is in full swing - oh, YOU hadn't noticed either.

The good news is that baseball is not far off. I was overjoyed to find not one, but two Tim Tebow cards in a box of 2016 Elite Extra Edition BASEBALL. It don't get no sweeter than that. Speaking of Tim, he and Johnny "Footnote" Manziel, having nothing better to do, both appeared at the recent Heisman Trophy award show. Hope they didn't scare the **** out of Heisman winner Lamar Jackson.

In golf, nothing exciting happened - wait! That's not news!

And the big local story: Va Tech beat Duke in basketball! It's always a good thing when the "Blue Devils" lose. Although when they play UNC, who do you root for there?

January 31st, 2017 (January 2017 newsletter)

Hello again, boys and girls! We have indeed begun our sixth year of doing this show at Tanglewood. That's sixty-one shows so far and counting. No matter whether you've been with us from the beginning or joined up somewhere along the way, we do appreciate your support. We have no idea what may happen in the future at Tanglewood with the new mall ownership, but we plan and expect to be here all this year and hope that you can be with us.

The big holiday this month (January as I write this) was King/Lee/Jackson/Kardashian/Colonel Sanders/Dear Abby day. Hope I got that right. Anyway, it's a day when everybody can joyfully come together and celebrate how totally differently we view things. Somehow, Hallmark Cards seems to have missed this day, although they don't miss boss's day (seriously!), Mother-in-law day (hahahaha!), elevator operator's day (although there aren't too many of those left any more), road-work-flagman day, and other such notable occasions.

But, of course, the true National Holiday is coming this Sunday. We speak of the Super Bowl. This year it features great players such as Budweiser, Skittles, Buffalo Wild Wings, Mr. Clean, Lady "Gaga", and dozens of others (no word if Mr. Clean will duet with Miss Gaga). There is also, I believe, a football game starring the New England (formerly "Boston") Patriots and the Atlanta Falcons.

In the weeks leading up to the game, if you follow sports at all, you are inundated with literally millions of hours of "experts" predicting what will happen. If you missed this commentary, allow me to summarize:

- New England will win because of their defense. - Atlanta will win because of their offense. - Las Vegas will win because of a bejillion ignorant gamblers.

Although I'm completely ignorant on the topic, let me give you my keys to the game (after all, ignorance doesn't stop the TV guys). For Atlanta, if they play really well and score more points than NE, then I predict they will win. However, NE could possibly score more points than Atlanta, and THEY will win. It's been unreliably reported (by me) that outside of New England, literally tens of fans will be rooting for New England to win while only a few billion fans on this and other nearby planets will be rooting for Atlanta.

Great news outside the stadium. Johnny "Footnote" Manziel will be in the city signing autos for $99 and doing "selfies" for $50. But he insists that he will not charge for "selfies" taken at the game, which would seem to be about the right price. You'll find him outside the stadium trying to convince security that he actually IS a player.

In other sports news, it was senior citizens day at the Australian Tennis "Open". (I'm curious - how does Australia rate a "major" anything? It's a country whose main claims to fame are kangaroos and boomerangs, and it's like eighteen days away from anywhere. If you look at a globe you have to bend over to see it, because it's way down THERE.) Anyway, the Williams sisters played the final and Serena won. Wait - that's not news. And two old guys whose names escape me played the men's final. Keep in mind that I'm calling these folks "seniors" because that's the way the sports commentators see them. These players are all in their 30's. Sigh.

The NHL had their all-star game, and viewership was up over last year. It was watched on the various NBC platforms by over 2.6 million viewers, which rated only slightly behind the "Leave It To Beaver" reruns on ME-tv and slightly ahead of C-Span 3's report on political redistricting in Poughkeepsie. I wish I could tell you who won, but I have no idea.

If I might be serious for a moment - in this country it's getting so that nobody knows what they are or where they're supposed to be. I'm referring, of course, to the news that cats will be participating in February's Westminster Kennel Club Dog show. That's right - cats will have their own program there. Is this the end of civilization as we know it?

Let me remind you that the truly BIG game on Sunday will be the "Puppy Bowl" on the Animal Planet TV channel. I call this to your attention every year. It has all the thrills of football plus the occasional breaks to pee on the field.

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